| things i wanna say but just can't |
[18 Oct 2009|02:07pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
] |
It's been awhile since I met the crossroads. This time round, I don't want to think too much about it. It's just gonna flow and I'll just follow. I like what's happening, and no, I do not want anything else to change at this moment please. I know some stuff I do shouldn't be done. But if it makes me happy, am I allowed to? Hmm. I want to see where this goes. I haven't had this good feeling about something for a long long while. There's just one thing, you need to see the un-jolly side of me, like how I should see yours. We need designated free days - which is hard. Fingers crossed for everything. >.<
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| Three Sheets to the Wind |
[19 Aug 2009|12:21am] |
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mood |
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 silly |
] |
It's been 6 months since I came back to the middle of OZ. Life has stabilized and I've gotten into a certain routine.Well, maybe not for this semester. It's just the 5th week, with only 13 more to go before I'm back in sunny island. But I keep asking myself, do I really want to go back? I'm not sure why but maybe because I enjoy the freedom and independence I have here. I dictate my actions, thoughts and money given to me.
My mind been engulfed by doubts and clouds. As I asked in a previous post - 'is getting intoxicated the only way?' I'm sad to say this, but I enjoy getting intoxicated, going crazy on high. It's not that bad I will defend myself. I don't go all wild and insane, not knowing what I'm doing or saying. Despite all that goes down, I still am conscious of my actions and words, at least to my best ability. I force myself to focus and help people back to their bunks. I still don't feel a sense of release. It's not right no doubt. I'm learning what are my limits, but meanwhile, I'll have to stay away. I don't know what do I expect out of a night out besides fun, which by the way doesn't come at full blast since I'm usually the one helping people. It's been quite a few times and am slightly turned off by the circumstances. I really just one night to go wild and not remember anything about it. It's my way of saying "enough is enough" to the world, "it's my turn to enjoy life in this manner"
This is not exactly the most holy or right way to conduct myself I know, but it's just what's in my heart at the moment when I think of all those nights.
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| Hint* HINt* HINTTT!* |
[06 Jan 2009|11:17pm] |
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mood |
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 bitchy |
] |
Hands up if you detest annoying people who just don't get the obvious hints thrown right smack in their face that they are not wanted.
*BOTH HANDS UP*
Yes, I think that if you can even catch the most obvious hints thrown at you, you should be of non-existence. For Heaven's sake, the fact that you can't catch the hints (language, body language, etc) means that you are blind and horrible socially.
Ok, I'm done spitting.
(:
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| Si usted sabía. |
[25 Nov 2008|03:51am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
] |
It's really just extremely disappointing.
I caught in the middle. One goes 'Missing-in-Action', not replying me or, giving one word answers whenever I call.
The other? Says the wrongest thing in the worse time ever.
Honestly, I don't understand them. I mean I probably can guess what they would do in certain circumstances.
But not why they say the wrongest stuff.
Oh wells. I was sure this time round no expectations was placed at all.
Probably.
I just wished that things were better. That all these would turn around and smile upon me,
Nahh. Nahh. Nahh.
I'm so not thinking too much.
Yes I'm positive about it.
I ain't being emotional.
So yea.
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| matters. |
[20 Nov 2008|12:32am] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
 today. today. today. interesting. yet. awkward. sometimes, when your efforts are not appreciated; when no one seems to care bout what you do; all you can do is wished they noticed. but i know they know, but not expressed. so im okay, im good (: i know they are fantastic people. i know they are amazing. so who cares. |
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| What's that you say - Turn it Up Up UP. |
[15 Nov 2008|01:54am] |
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mood |
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indescribable |
] |
 URGH! Held hopes high once more. Seriously. Seriously Seriously. ): Gosh. Time to let go. Let go let go let go let go let go. x| Well at least dance at MB was good. love having fun with them (: I HATE MISUNDERSTANDINGS! plus I HATE FOOT STOMPERS! plus DUMB TAXI DRIVERS! *whimpers* My foot hurts really badly.. Blisters. love that sexy girl friend of mine xP |
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| Che cosa è amicizia |
[08 Nov 2008|06:29pm] |
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mood |
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cynical |
] |
I find myself at this point time and time again. Year after year, from each new beginning and end. It's depressing no doubt. But I should have built up some kind of wall/resistance/numbness to this... this kinda stupid thing. Why have I fumbled and fallen again. Should I confront it? Or should I just keep pressing in. There's fear in me, not knowing what are the possibilities of each outcome. And I thought this was going to be the beginning of new and better life. I guess i came with expectations to only be disappointed once more.
On the bright side, days are really getting longer. End of exams are nearing. Trying not to have any expectations for what's to come during the holidays. Afterall, it just makes me fall harder and more painful.
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| ¡Porqué?! |
[29 Oct 2008|04:30pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
] |
 Why why why. Why does the thought of you troubles me. Why do I worry bout this friendship of ours? There's nothing special bout it. There's no hope in it. Is that why I feel this way now? Cause I wished there was hope and something special Yet I know nothing will come out of this. What's wrong with me. I'm thinking too much Having a headache. :/ Maybe I'm just tired. Yes, maybe. |
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[26 Oct 2008|11:36pm] |
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mood |
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thankful |
] |
This song was a bull's eye.
Amazing how He draws me back at the most crucial time.
Christian City Church - Worthy
Could it be
You're in control
Now I see
I don't know it all
But if You stripped it all away
I'd still be able to say
You're my God
And none can compare
You're the One
You gave us our breath
And in Your shadow I will wait
To hear Your voice and know Your way
Glory, all that has breath give Him glory
Lift up our God who is always
Beginning and end
You are
Let the earth sing
We lift up our hands and exalt Thee
Redeemer of all
You have mercy
Above all be glorified
Worthy, You alone are worthy
You alone are Holy
You alone are God
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| The Joy In Me |
[22 Oct 2008|12:21am] |
| [ |
mood |
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calm |
] |
After years of studying what is required of me, I've the liberty to choose what I wish to study finally. It may have took 12 years to come to this stage, but it's all worth it. The joy of learning is a nice yet 'itchy' feeling. It feels great to enjoy learning, yet it disturbs me as to how this learning will be useful in future. It boils down to practicality and passion. I guess I've always opted for passion since young. Softball, church, coming to aust and many more. Through these I've learnt that it's inevitable that the future is unclear, but there is no need to worry. If indeed it is a mistake, move on to sometime else. (:
A typical day here consists of breakfast, rushing for the bus, going to lect/tut, chatting with classmates, home, dinner with wonderful people, study and sleep. Boring I say. Still, it's what makes life for me manageable. It makes things right. Salsa classes are coming to an end, which is a very bad thing. I've got to find something else to do on a Sunday. That means a JOB! I've yet to get my resume out and start applying for casual position for summer. So many things to do to prepare for the numerous events coming up. Exams then holiday - I'm so looking forward to it.
I'm really no longer the sociable Me. Just in the span of 2.5years, the Me has faded and revealed the quieter Kristine. It's not really good. Friends are harder to make and develop. Life is mainly about school and the four walls for my room. Hence, the occasional outings to birthday parties, dinners and bars are extremely welcomed disturbances. It may cost me a day of studying, but it's all worth it. I love socializing, just forgot how to do so. LOL. Dumb.
I'm just stuck in my world, reading books, surfing the net and reminiscing the past.
No Secrets - "I'll Remember You"
It has been so long since we have talked
I hope that things are still the same
hoping they will never change
cause what we had can't be replaced
don't let our memories fade away
keep me in your heart for always
You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
stood right by me
through the tears through everything
I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what you're goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you
I promise you I won't forget the times we shared, the tears we cried
You'll always be the sun in my sky
It may be fate that brings us back to meet again someday
Even though we go seprate ways
You made me believe
that I can do almost anything
You stood right by me
through the tears through everything
I'll remember yooooou,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for yooooou,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you
If the day should come when you need someone
(you know that i'll follow)
I will be there
Don't ever let there
be a doubt in your mind
'cause I'll remember you, you
I'll remember you,
and baby that's forever true
you're the one that I'll always miss
never thought it would feel like this
I'll be there for you,
no matter what your goin' through
in my heart you'll always be, forever baby
I'll remember you
Forever baby, I'll remember you
Yep. I'll remember you, monster.
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[20 Sep 2008|01:18pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
] |
Is getting intoxicated the only way?
I'm really glad I blabbed some stuff out when I'm intoxicated quite badly. It just gets the boulders off my chest and all. The only thing is that I can remember every single detail of whatever happens. Which is kinda funny and disturbing.
Well. Another phase of life has ended and a new one has begun. Kinda late realizing it only now, after 10weeks being in canberra. I said "New place, New life, New friends", and all i saw was the life i had back home. Well. This new life. It really needs a bit of getting used to and controlling especially. New friends are great. timmy, sherwyn, randeep, shiqian. stephy, weiqi, sam, ayndri, tammy-s, aiping, justin-s, christine, etc.
Life is spicing up. (: Gear 2 soon.
And this time, Im really so over you. I just hope that you don't step back and say stupid things. Just be happy. Just be contented. Just be you. Love ya.
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[13 Sep 2008|01:19am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
Here I am in Australia, in foreign land where people still speak the language - English, but in quite a different way.
Sucks when everything moves on without you back home.
Sucks being here and unable to just contact ppl.
Sucks to not be able to talk to the people i want.
Sucks staring at 4 walls.
Sucks being alone.
So yea. Im feeling damm freaking homesick. Im super emo now.Cause im missing my bed. im missing my dog. im missing my gf. im missing fabian.
Hate it when i call and gf doesnt feel her phone vibrate.
Hate it when i call and fabian is busy.
hate it when our times all clash
I JUST MISS MY FRIENDS.
maybe.. just maybe. a hot cup of chocolate would make me better.
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[07 Feb 2008|02:44am] |
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mood |
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confused |
] |
I wonder. Why did it affect me that much. I though it was only one way and I hurt you. But I got a small stab this afternoon when you ignored me. The whole time going home, to the market and back home again, you were in my thoughts. Wondered why were you so cold towards me, was I a rebound? I'm seriously confused. It's been awhile since I was affected by a guy. I am, seriously very sad today. No thanks to you, H. I can't believe I felt the pinch. I felt lonely, you idiot. I don't know, but I miss you. ): Kill me. I should be focusing on UmUmm instead of you. So why am I feeling this way?
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[02 Feb 2008|02:35am] |
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mood |
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frustrated |
] |
Boo. It really sucks. JJ is coming for svc tml and I'm REALLY REALLY affected. Retarded-ness I know. FUCK. ok, that wasn't necessary but I really ought to kill myself for being so affected. Even Fab was trying to cheer me up. Urgh. DAMMIT. Tml is gonna be a LONG DAY! ):
New Year, New Direction, New Challenges.
Trusting God.
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| Gosh. Life. |
[24 Jan 2008|02:33am] |
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mood |
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weird |
] |
Went back to softball recently. To Club and To Fajar. Inside me, something keeps pushing me to play and not to give up on my dreams. Yet why do circumstances refuse to make way. Tough as it may be and get in future, I can't give up this thing so dear to me, this thing that has made me grow up emotionally and mentally. It disciplined me, taught me the power of focus and hardwork, and gave me strength to strive high. Gave me friends and coaches whom I trust, and go thru both hardships and joys together. Most of all, it taught me life.
Going back to club showed me that I've lost much of my skills and strength. Especially the faith I once had in myself. Yet it renewed my hopes and encouraged me to start striving once more. With Liyan, HuiJie, Sharon, ChuYi, Michelle, WaiFoon, Eunice, ZiYi, XieJing, JiaMin and more, I'm sure I'm able to strive once more. Or at least I think. Learning to socialise more and talk more with people who I know yet strangers to me. So yea. I think I can.
Fajar Blazers. Do they know who they are? Or rather, does the current batch know that they are the Blazers? I really doubt so. Going back and seeing the team the way it is now breaks me heart very badly. The players I see now, hopefully a team on the field at least. The way they treat the playing field, equipments and even their own glove and boots almost made me cry. Seriously. Secondary 1s have no respect for their seniors and coach. Secondary 4s whom I've seen play with the fire in their eyes, gritting thru trainings, now laugh as they miss an easy grounder on familiar ground. I ask " Why? ". Simply, "I've lost the fire", Lyn said. Speechless. Not because they lost the fire, but because they don't seem to desire for that same fire they've lost. I seriously, seriously wanted to shout at the juniors. Slow movement; No respect for coach or team-mates; Equipments not taken care of. Now I know why Mel doesn't want me to go back. Cause I'll end up complaining to her all night. x( Gah. I do not hope for the current batches to be like the past, but rather maintain a respectable level of discipline, respect and desire.
My LiveJournal, not know by many, hence becomes my safe. Complains, secret desires, spiritual dryness, you-name-it down points in life I do not want people to know. Dangg.
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| first day of two zero zero eight. |
[01 Jan 2008|03:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
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crushed |
] |
It sucks. I know it's the first day of the new year, but... I guess I'm a dreamer. HAHA. And I thought that UmUmm would have the same feelings. It sucks knowing that UmUmm doesn't feel the same way, but it sucks even more to know UmUmm have feelings for another. Maybe cause I'm spending more time with him, that's why. But his actions are confusing; sometimes cold, sometimes warm. It hurts somewhat. Still, I wonder if that confession just now was true. I guess leaving him as my big bro would be for the best. Oh wells. Maybe, just maybe this year would be a very nice one.
New Year Resolutions.
-keep track of financial matters more closely.
-be more organised.
-be happier than the yr before.
-finish bs up till FT2 for the year.
-go gyming more often.
Happy 2008 to all my friends. Till then, tatas. (:
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| tough-ness |
[20 Jul 2007|01:54am] |
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mood |
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bitchy |
] |
wake, school, study, tuition, sleep in bus, home, eat, study, sleep.
):
This week has been tough both mentally and emotionally. The rapid mood swings i get due to insufficient sleep, and the extended opening hours of my brain. I don't wanna let so many people down. I've got to do well for my A's. JIAYOUS (: But seriously. School would have been a bitch without a certain group of people.
SY,HX,YH. MAIO,AHLI,HANHAN,HUAI,SKEEN,LALA,SHARIFFA.
JE,ROGER,MSJASMINE.
Thanks.
I wanna draw nearer to god.
I feel this tug.
Gentle yet persistent.
Haix.
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| A Struggle Within |
[23 Jun 2007|03:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
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frustrated |
] |
"Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." (Matthew 19:14)
How i wish for childlikeness innocence. Not because of the complexity of this world, but because as we mature, we think, reason and rebel. Having total faith in God is no easy task. Giving up all for him - would you? Reading SisJo blog, I really wonder sometimes, is it really possible to have God in softball? Missing service to go training or training to go service. Is it God or Satan putting all this opportunities in front of me? I'd like to know that it's God. I want to know, how does it feel to have my life revolving around GOD. I know how it feels to have my life being revolved around by various things. I want to learn how to put God first - and this is a MUST to sacrifice all other worldly stuff ; including SOFTBALL.
Right now, I feel as though I want to grab my heart in one hand, and in another reach for HIM. I sense HIM but not touched by HIM. I know HIM through people and the bible but not intimately. It's frustrating. Longing yet... Desiring yet... Knowing yet... Jealousy emerge, seeing many getting touched. Is there a fortress around my heart? Is the thick stone walls back once more? How can i remove them?
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[13 Jun 2007|11:27pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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bored |
] |
Pure Boredem.
im feeling SAD!
lol.
wonders if what i decided was the right choice.
no point wondering.
dont wanna be living/leaving with regrets.
NEVER (:
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kristk's journal
